oh cartoons are polite!
I think I’ve said this before, I really don’t like people. Well, most people and I’m dead fucking serious. I may suffer a light case of agoraphobia. I wouldn’t leave the house ever if my apartment wasn’t a shit hole studio with loud neighbors and I didn’t have to go to work. Damn you employment! Anyway, I might be mental but I usually tell people to GTFO (get the fuck out) in the bluntest way possible but I’m trying to be nice. Sometimes, I think I have aspergers. Can you get that in your thirties? Anyway, in all ways of trying to be polite. I’m turning over something….a new leaf? A new Hellin? Or I have just become so apathetic that I’m beyond the point of caring? Regardless….here goes…
that's not very nice!
If someone annoys you, a friend, co-worker, mother, husband the first thing you should do ask them is why the hell they are so annoying? Maybe they weren’t such a pain in the ass before, but something might have changed them. In most cases, people don’t realize that they are really a huge life suck. People have no concept of their level of annoying. Most people (especially the assholes in Hollywood) are so far up their own asses the have no idea of their shitty attitudes and bothersome antics. Asking these people to change is nearly impossible but if you let them in on their own self defeating ways, they might be more aware and at least try to be tolerable.
I'm sick of you
So maybe you showed the annoying person the ways of the world, of their level of annoyance and complete disregard for anything awesome. And maybe they changed or at least making an effort (it’s really all they can do).However, if they have not made any change or for godsakes gotten angry at you for pointing out how awful they have become, the next thing to do it give the relationship a T.O. ( that’s a time out for you slow folks) Maybe you not being around will make them shape up, but people are stupid so they probably didn’t and the latter is the case. Move on. Life is too short to be bothered by assholes. Me included.
do I have to spell it out?
Sometimes you and your special someone call it quits and you can’t get over it. You’re beside yourself with sadness after you were kicked to the curb. First, don’t even think about calling, emailing, skyping, texting, Facebooking the ex.You know what, delete them from Facebook. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people but after two phone calls and a few text messages and you get no response, they don’t care about you anymore. They are done. Over. Final. They probably met someone else. If someone cares about you even slightly, they will at least talk to you about your hurt feelings and try to calm you down. If you have not heard from them after several attempts, you’re not only annoying but you might be a stalker so stop it move on and hit the gym or happy hour or both. Maybe you’ll meet someone new to fool around with to get your mind off your ex, even if it’s just for a night. But the calls and texts to someone who has moved on is annoying to say the least.
don't congratulate... humiliate!
If someone won’t leave you alone and they annoy you and you have done everything possible, within reason, then make them feel bad in front of their friends. Peer pressure is a bitch at any age. If you tell them they suck or are annoying or they are bothersome in front of their friends, they will most likely stop. Bringing people on your side is a good thing to initiate changes in behavior.
you don't exist
Lets face it, most people are lame so it’s best to just hit the ignore button in your brain. I have developed a talent for talking to boring people. I can completely clock out while acting like I’m engaged in whatever bullshit they are spouting off. I make a list in my head of things I have to do and it totally works. Try it at the next dinner party or event you have to attend. It does help. Then again, you may just be interested in bullshit or are a lonely person.
murder is not on the menu
I can only say that most people are not OK. They are pretentious, annoying and unaware of their bullshit so it’s best to try to tolerate them with the steps mentioned. I would say kill them but that won’t work either because there is nothing worse then jail. But like Charles Bukowski once said, “Hell is other people.” I think drinking helps. Cheers!
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Hey Now!
Some people have said that the way to a guys heart is his stomach. That’s bullshit and we all know that. The way to a guys heart is through his cock. There is a direct vein from the cock to the heart I’m sure and if you’re not a trouser snake charmer, well, you’re doomed. I don’t think I have ever written a post on the do’s and don’t of sucking the bone so here goes. Well, my take on it…do with it what you will…lets begin
No time for teeth
Hey gurl Hey!
As far as that dick is concerned, you’re all gums. Teeth to a cock is about as bad as nails to a chalkboard, so don’t even try. I know girls that say they have used like teeth. Well, I’m calling bullshit on that. The guy is probably so happy to get head that little bit of teeth is not pissing them off, but I’m sure they are not jazzed about it. You have to put your lips under your teeth creating a vortex of suction. Keep that in mind all the time because that can be tough especially if you’re drunk or high and you’re mind starts to wonder (MINE HAS)
Eye Contact
Cary is thinking, "Why are you not sucking my cock right now?"
Lets face facts here, men don’t have the best imaginations. So when you’re fucking them or sucking them off they are filing that in the back of their head to masturbate to later. Why not make it super personal? I can’t tell you how many guys have told me they thought it was so hot that I looked up at them when sucking their dick. It doesn’t matter where you are either which makes it all the more hot. It can be in the bedroom, public bathroom, car, alley….whatever. You’re giving him some masturbation material for later. It’s like a bonus round!
Hands Across the Cock Area
hard but don't let it melt in your mouth!
Before anything, make sure you play with the dick because sucking a limp cock is about as fun as as a dog dry humping your leg. Plus you have to wait for it to get hard and this take effort. Make sure he’s good and ready before you go downtown. Make use not to pull the cock out of the zipper. If you hurt this delicate muscle it’s game over and he’ll be pissed. Drop the drawers and he’s yours! Don’t complicate this with fun ways to get him in the mood. I’m sure he;s already in the mood, if you are a woman or a gay dude.
Know what the signs are
know the signs!
If he’s holding your hair or your head and seems to be lost (or god forbid getting soft) start asking questions. Am I going to hard? Too fast? Too slow? Usually the guy will tell you what he likes if you just ask. Don’t be scared. Some guys are into into the deep throat. Some guys like a soft touch and slow hand. Every cock is different and should be treated as such.
Be good but not too good!
keep it hot...but not too hot!
If you want to fuck then don’t let him bust from the blowjob. After most guys come, they’re out of the sex game for at least 45 minutes and by then you’re knee deep in ice cream and Golden Girls reruns with no orgasm in sight. Maybe save the b.j. for heavy period days if you’re cramps are not too bad. Or just get him close enough, if you’re really horny and plan on coming fast.
Don’t forget the balls
tender moments
Cup and caress his balls in the hand you don’t use for writing. They can take a bit of abuse, but only with your heavy wet tongue. Make sure to keep those teeth out of the mix and don’t be afraid to get them really wet. While you suck the balls, grab his shaft and with a light squeeze, slide your hand up and down the shaft, your hand should be wet from your spit. After some attention to the balls, have your mouth meet your hand and don’t take your mouth or hand off the cock. You’re not gobbing on it, and you’re barely hitting a rhythm. You are wetting down the penis with spitty, rhythmic foreplay to achieve the correct balance of slickness and traction. Getting him good and ready. It’s like a pre-show for the main event, which is still good.
Emotion in the motion
Motion!
He’ll naturally start rocking and keep up with him but don’t get skull fucked. Stay in control, but don’t fight the motion. Make sure to use your hand. You;re hand and mouth are besties at this point. By now you’re gripping the shaft gently and firmly with both good and bad hands in a dizzy of fingers and spit. Fan down and grip up, grip up and fan down. Keep in moving. See his signals. If you switch up the rhythm too much it will throw him out course for coming and you kind of have to start all over which is the worst. The call it a blow job because it’s just that….a job.
The final countdown
are you ready!?
If you have being keeping the teeth away, the rhythm going and asked the right questions he is probably ready to get off. You’ll notice his balls acceding and almost disappearing into himself. That’s how you know it’s show-time, and his moan and motions. Increase the speed of your mouth like you want it really badly. If you want to speed things up, then you can probably lick the balls and have him participate by asking him “show me how you do it.” Sometimes this works if you are getting off track as well. Having him participate brings him back…but if he’s about to come keep up the motion and keep sucking.
Spit or Swallow
swallow!
Spitters are quitters and takes you out of the moment. Swallowing is important. It shows a kind of love and acceptance that has big payoffs during pussy-eating time and morning sex, which I love. Between his legs is best and swallow fast and quick. Wipe your mouth and smile. He’s probably spent by now so it’s time to see what’s on TIVO and grab a glass of Merlot, but if he’s a good man then he will go down on you next….that’s when you know you have a keeper.
Done and Done!
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OMFG I missed you sooooo much!
So after some jealous peeps took my site for hostage (along with my favorite stilettos…HOW F&*KING DARE YOU!) It took some time and some serious ass kicking, but I’m back…..I gotta keep on top of this shit! New post on it’s way to you today!
My sincerest apologies for not coming back sooner but I’m here now….
Preach Freddie!
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What if she don't like the meat, but she likes the bone?
It’s been a crazy time for me as of late so I have not been posting. Been busy. I got into a car accident, I got back together with my ex who I never really got over so we will see how it goes, had to have surgery that went fine and was minor. Just when everything was moving on the up and up, I now suffer from bronchitis AND a sinus infection. Â As far as the car accident, I was hit sitting at a light and I got a little bit of money that helped me pay off my debt, but fighting to have my Mini fixed correctly. The good news is that I got some money for massage! That brings me to…
Sensual massage?
Is getting a happy ending cheating? The place I’m going for acupuncture/chiro/massage is totally legit. Which is unfortunate, but I’m not paying for it. Where are the days of yore where you can walk into anywhere and get my no-no spot rubbing with a yes yes? Even if I went to a sensual massage parlor would a happy ending be cheating? The guys that work at the place I go to are really attractive. I know my tawdry Hollywood tales are true and titillating (saying I’m not going to lie here)… and under single circumstances if the opportunity would present itself I surely would get a happy ending from one of these hot masseuses. But maybe my bad girl ways are on the shelf, well, I have never condoned cheating. It’s all free reign to do what ever you want till you’re attached. A girls gotta have morals! I’m on the fence if it’s cheating or not…. humm?
Facebook the cheat platform?
It’s only been a few months since me and my guy have gotten back on track. He’s been lovely and gone above and beyond in all of the things that I want and need from a man. I mean, pretty much perfect. The relationship feels different and more mature. I just re-became his friend on Facebook. And the day I’m back as his friend, the girl he dated while we broke up wrote a comment that went along the lines of, “I will always think about our fun adventures in 2011. I hope you get all the happiness you deserve. Please call, text or email because I would love to hear from you.” He deleted it when he saw it. Why didn’t he tell her months ago? Why is she writing that for everyone to see? If she knew about me would she still do that? He told me he ignored her thinking she would go away, but didn’t. So, he had to tell her about us. Duh. What is it with people? If I wrote a text or two and left a voice mail with no response, I walk away. Sigh…. Does it make me wonder what he’s doing in the virtual world or otherwise? I mean, they are still friends, he didn’t delete her. In a way, yes it does make me wonder. Do I think he would cheat? No. I’ve been reading more and more how break ups and divorces end because of Facebook. Cheating is more rampant because of Facebook. Reconnecting of old flames happens because of Facebook. You know what I think? Fuck Facebook. I guess it all comes down to the age old act of trust. Ahh….trust. Nice to see you again? Did you ever leave? Were you ever here to begin with?
What me worry?
Who can say what’s cheating and what isn’t? Is an emotional office affair cheating? Is being friends with an ex lover? I think we all can agree that penis in vagina is definitely cheating. Well, I do have a friend that says it’s not cheating if you use condoms. So who is right and who is wrong? I know I couldn’t kiss, fuck or suck another guy but what if they were doing it to me? I mean, who doesn’t want a happy ending? Either that way…or this way….
And happily ever after….till he caught her with her fairy godmother scissor fucking in their martial bed….Back to the drawing board!
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i will cut you or bore you or be weird
I have been somewhat hot to trot lately so I decided it was time to go get tested. Even though I use condoms, I’m highly paranoid I will catch something meds can’t fix and AJax can’t wash off so I hit up a clinic my friend told me about. It’s not Planned Parenthood and it’s closer to my work, so I don’t have to be too late.
cookie snacher, magazine snacher
My appointment is for 2:45. I arrived at 2:25 to fill out paperwork. I do my paperwork and as I go back to give the receptionist my stuff, this chubby girl in sweats sits literally beside me and takes the magazine I was reading. She doesn’t even look at me but takes the magazine off my chair and even though there were plenty of other chairs she sits next to me, I just found that odd(this had nothing to do with the clinic it was just weird). The director of the clinic came out thanking us for choosing the clinic. Well, that’s fine and dandy and all but my  appointment was for 2:45 and now it’s almost 4pm and I’m still waiting. I noticed the three women before me had marked (walk ins) and I noted their names because I’m all for knowing what’s going on, however, they got to go in before I did even though they didn’t call beforehand. So I guess having an appointment here doesn’t matter. So much for following the rules! This was frustrating. I was supposed to be at work at 3 and told them I would be late, but still. I’m still waiting at 4. I tell them how much I make and that it will be 50 bucks for my visit. Fine. Anyway, finally a few after 4 I get called back.
white nurse is jelly!!!
I have to wait in yet another tiny waiting room hallway and I talk to another patient who was just waiting for the morning after pill but they are making her see a RN for that. Why didn’t she go to PP? I think you can walk in there for that there. This girl was another weird person with clots of make up on her face and vacant eyes. Anyway, after another 20 minutes waiting in a hallway (with every nurse that walked by me didn’t even make eye contact, no smile. Nothing as I could hear them carrying on about whatever nonsense is going on in their lives) I just held my head down and waited and waited.
Are you my doctor?
I finally see and an RN with a terribly nasally voice who sounded like a valley girl. Oh, one reason I was in there was because I had a huge bump on the outside of my labia by my underwear, like the size of a nickel. I wanted to get it checked out, cause you never know. She checks out my vagina and told me everything looked totally normal and it was just an ingrown hair and then asked me if  I was ever diagnosed with a paranoid personality disorder. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m just being safe here! She gave me a pap and STD test for everything because she didn’t want my visit to be as she put it “a complete waste of time” and within ten minutes I was done. I wanted the STD test anyway. Whatever…weird. She gave me some cream for my ingrown hair and as I checked out, which took another 20 minutes, they told me since I got a pap it would be 105 dollars. So getting a pap more then doubled the price of  my visit! Great! By this time I’m two hours late for work. I should have told them I didn’t have a job because then it would have been free.
WTF am I doing here?
I get home later that night and see the cream she gave me is in a tube  but with 5 different plastic insertion tubes for a bacterial infection that I’m supposed to inject into myself. She didn’t say anything about that. She just told me to rub the gel on my ingrown hair to help it go away. Are there muli purposes for this product? She might have not given me the right thing, maybe? I don’t know. For an ingrown hair? Oh vey…
She's so excited with that weird critter on her lap!
It’s been weeks and no word. I hear no news is good news but I decided to call anyway. I am happy to report I’m positive I’m negative all across the board. So time to close up shop till the boyfriend show arrives in my town called Hellin. I guess I’m a little too paranoid for casual sex anymore. Seriously? Well…maybe not. We will see.
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Do these people look like they are having a good time?
Things have been going really well for HH as of late. I have stabilized my weight and back at the gym, I finished my book of fiction, published a book of truth, completely paid off my credit card, successfully cleaned out my closet, quit smoking and I’m proud to say I’m now the singer of a band. Yup, all of my dreams are coming true and it’s about damn time. I have been dating on and off and I’m ready for a steady but not too pressed on it. I saw a Groupon for speed dating and said to myself, “Why not? It can’t hurt, right?” I bought two Groupons and gave one to my buddy B to join me (I seriously had to BEG him to go) I wasn’t excited or really that interested. I have been so busy writing lyrics, my body, myself, resting my voice and being awesome. I almost forgot what day it was.
Can I touch you inapproprately or sell you a modem?
So I get to the high end hotel bar in my skin tight baby pink custom made wiggle dress and 5 inch spiked heels to find the place dead. Finally when a few girls show up we all start to talk. We just asked if we ever did this before blah blah..and no… never done this…where did you get your shoes..what do you do… both girls were really hot and super nice. Then the crowd shuffles in. Girls and guys alike all doing this whole speed dating thing. The crazy thing is, all the girls were adorable and the guys seriously, might have been members of The Geek Squad or a Best Buy employee. Just nerdy enough to not be cute, you know cologne and shitty shoes and buzz cut hair dos. I was chatting up a few of the ladies who were all smart, sweet and funny. I asked them what they did and told them my story. One girl said, “What don’t you do? Jesus Christ, I can’t follow you. You’re incredible.” I blushed because I knew she was right! (wink) Seriously, they were so sweet and I exchanged numbers with a few of them. Most of the guys were young, way too young (I have sworn off men in their 20’s), broke and uninteresting. I can’t make more then the guy I’m dating or have a better car. Case closed! Your 89 Honda Accord, four roomates and new job at Chick Fillet is not in my scope of potentials. Sorry!
yeah, it looks weird to me
I was driving so I only had diet cokes through my 3 minute dates, which seemed like 10 minutes. Considering how boring and lame the guys were I deserved a metal doing that sober. My friend B was on a different tip. He ended up getting pretty drunk and thought all of his ladies were lame so he just stopped caring. He yelled, spilled a drink on his shirt while speaking and I thought it was hysterical. At least he was drunk, everything is more fun when you’re drunk and I was stone cold not. The speed dating place was supposed to offer high end apps but it was pizza and fries. I have not had a slice of pizza since June so I’m not starting now but the fries looked good.
I'm dying over here...
As the guys seemed to get worse, I couldn’t concentrate. The boring, the balding, the just plain bad. My head was swimming with thoughts of lame. Even thought I had no booze, I felt drunk on sensory overload. The only guy who was cute was at the bar and not involved in the whole speed dating thing but was chewing gum (as most of the speed dating guys) which is a deal breaker for me. I hate gum. HATE. It’s one of my peeves. I have dumped guys who chew gum. I know I’m weird. Did you know I also hate the sound of a whisper? But I digress….
this has nothing to do with speed dating, but it turns me on in a strange way
When B got to me (it’s speed dating, you do have to chat with every guy and girl even your friends) we decided it was time to go. I didn’t even finish my dates I just had to go and B had the spins. As I got home I stripped down in my lacy underthings sprawled across my bed and smoked a fat joint while watching Arrested Development for the 100th time. Now this is better then any speed date. With all the good going for me right now, I really wasn’t too disappointed with the speed dating process, I expected it. As for the dudes, I’m still pretty much on that dating hiatus for the time being. I have been doing so well with me, I know he’ll come around soon enough….naturally.
I seem to can't get one in the can
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This guy was probably a safer bet
I had been on one date with the 25 year old Mini Cooper guy. It was nothing worth mentioning. A nice dinner followed by a kiss in his Cooper and home for me. The next date he took me to Cirque du Soleil(where we had amazing seats) followed by an amazing dinner at some adorable place on Larchmont that name escapes me. He even bought a bottle of red and white (it’s a BYOB place) because he didn’t know which kind I liked. This was a pretty great second date. Even at the ripe old age of 25, he was doing things that most men at 35 wouldn’t do. He opened the car door, told me I was beautiful and seemed to have a general interest in what I was talking about. I tried to put the irrational fear of dating a younger guy at bay and went with it. He was charming and made great money. So what if he was younger? He’s very handsome and was treating me like a lady. …..Oh Hellin…Not so fast!!!!!!!
me and these guys...under pressure!
So he takes me home and I guess I was drunk because I let him come up after tons of pressure from him to do so. I mean a lot of pressure. I hate pressure and I hate letting someone making me feel that way and usually it’s horribly rebuffed. This turned out to be the biggest mistake ever. We started getting intimate. The kissing, the fondling, the caress. His cock was huge, I mean baby arm big which I was stoked about. I was lonely and horny and this hot 25 year old with a trouser monster was just what I needed. We starting getting really personal and my head is half hanging off the bed. As I look up, I see him with his phone. He’s taking pictures of me and him fucking! Oh lordy lord! This just won’t do!
I will murder you!
I slapped the phone out of his hand. I guess the wine got the better of me because we kept going. He told me he didn’t take any pictures or video and that he was going to ask first. I am not buying that. But we are literally in the middle of it. Oh well, it was ok for Kim Kardashian if it gets out, right? Ugh…
women are whores...and should be treat as such!
So then it gets worse. He keeps yelling at me and calling me names! I mean, like whore and bitch and talking really dirty in bed. Like filthy dirty, even Hellin can’t go there. AS IF!!!!! Like wash your mouth out dirty. I don’t know what was wrong with him, but it’s ugly. Really ugly. Kids these days are so influenced by rap music and Internet porn they think this this is acceptable behavior. It’s not. Well, it is when you know someone. I think the first encounter with a new partner should be polite. I’m all for letting your inner freak flag fly just but this was a lot to handle (not just that big flesh sausage). I’m not Jenna Jameson. We are not in a XXX movie where we are starring but obviously in you warped little mind we are in some sick game. He even tried to choke me, all the whole time would not let me touch his face. “No touching my face! I don’t want to get pimples!” I’m not joking around here. Everything happened but poo poo and pee pee and I didn’t even come.
I should have hit my bedroom shark monster!
So it’s over and he starts talking about fucking hookers and how women are whores and then asked me if I was ever raped. I was all, I was never raped but I kind of feel that way now. Then he laughed this sinister laugh. I told him to get the fuck out and I started to pass out and wipe the memory and the stink of him off of me. I have never hated someone so much after sex as I did at that very moment. I bet fumes of fire were coming off my body. I started drifting off to sleep and he kissed me on the head before leaving but not before saying in my ear, “You’re so amazing, I could fall in love with you.” ARE YOU FOR REAL? What’s going on here? I drifted off and you would think that this is over. No. IT GETS BETTER!
imagine this guy naked!
I awake the next morning and promptly throw myself into a rape shower to get the night before off me. This is why people swear off sex because of men like him. I changed my sheets and threw out the disgusting used condoms all the while spinning as to what the fuck happened the night before. I check my phone and I have a voice mail saying “Good morning my darling. I can’t wait to see you again. I had a great time last night.” I deleted it right away and I was just floored that he would even call. Then I get a call from my apartment manager and that asshole, completely naked, PEED OF MY BALCONY INTO THE POOL. I told my apartment manager that he would never be around again and I was very sorry. I don’t even know when he did that? What the hell?! I had to kind of laugh but still can’t get over his actions. Well, I guess I can because the way he treated me I wouldn’t put anything past him. It’s been almost a week and he still won’t stop calling to see me again.”I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. What do you want? Shopping spree? A diamond?” As tempting as new clothes and priceless baubles may be, the only thing I want is for him to stop calling me.
when you're phone doesn't ring it's me not calling you
He seems to ignore me, ignoring him. Hopefully the calls will cease soon and he’ll get the drift that I absolutely abhor him. Note to self: Never date a guy under 35 again. I’m only setting myself up for something awful. Or maybe have a bigger filter. For now, I’m on a dating hiatus for the time being.
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not just a song...
I went to lunch with an old friend the other day who got divorced about two years ago. He talked about his ex and how she cheated on him and tore him up with not being on his side (aside from the cheating…ugh). He now has a great relationship with an also divorced woman and he couldn’t be happier. He told me, “Hellin, the thing is no matter what happens, your partner needs to be your advocate.” It got me to thinking about all the exes and if they were on my side or not. He goes on to say, “It’s not really asking for much, you know, just someone that even though you may be wrong will always be in your corner.” Humm… I guess  it got my wheels spinning and thinking about guys I have dated that have been on not been on my side.
here comes trouble
I dated a guy years ago that looked like Jared Leto on My So Called Life. So needless to say he was hot. We were at the beach one year and had a wonderful time. We were staying at different houses and I had to go meet friends and told him  I would be by later. My plans ended up changing and I went back by his house where I caught him in bed with a hot blonde. I went ballistic to say the least. So much so that his roommate came in to break up the fight. I said to his roomie, “Look, I just sucked his cock all of two hours ago and now he’s in bed with her.” All the roomie could do is look in horror before going “Carry on.” As he left the room. I looked at him and told him he was a piece of shit before exiting the room and never seeing him ever again. Thank God the cops were not called.
no you just suck
A few years ago, I dated a guy who I liked a lot. One night he was having a party and there was this terrible woman there who was his “friend” being awful. Already she had the hates for me with no good reason. I would say something like, I hear at the Body Worlds exhibit you can touch a human liver.” and she would say, “It’s out in the open but you can’t touch it you idiot, what ever friend told you that was a total heathen.” Geeze. The entire night she took jabs at me and made me feel like over all crap so I tried at all costs to avoid her. As we went to bed that evening after the party, I told him about how horrible his female friend was to me. He told me I was lying and berated me for actually thinking she was a bitch at all. We broke up soon after and I found out that later she came clean and told him how bad she felt at the way she treated me. He tried to call to apologize but I wanted nothing to do with that. Â We were over anyway and if he didn’t take my side then and had to hear it from her, he can fuck off. However, I did feel an overwhelming sense of validation.
that's gotta hurt
My first love and I were walking to Starbucks. As I was crossing the street, a guy was backing up his car and almost hit me. Instead of the guy rolling down the window and apologizing, he rolled down the window and called me a fat bitch. My ex was awesome. He punched the window, tried to pull the guy out of the car and yelled the entire time, “No one speaks to her that way, get out of the fucking car. I’m going to kill you.” I told him to let it go and the guy sped off. We went to Starbucks and I was reeling the entire time. I never had someone stand up for me like that and I loved it. It felt really good. Well, that guy ended up dumping me on an email on my birthday so there goes that but I never forgot that act of chivalry. Standing up for you girl should come second nature, maybe not being violent, but standing up for the woman you love should always happen. Why can’t guys see this?
a true friend stabs you in the front
In my last relationship, I went out with a former friend and we had a horrible fight (where I basically thought she was going to murder me). She ended up leaving me on the beach in nothing but a bikini top, a pair of jeans and my keys (I left my cell phone at home). At her home, she had my exs bike I borrowed from him, my wallet and my shirt. I had to hitchhike back to Hollywood and upon calling my ex which I thought I would get some solace, he berated me for not calling him (I didn’t have my phone) and leaving his bike at her house. Â She even ended up calling him and acting like a psycho and he still took up for HER. Nothing about how I was or the preverbal everything was going to be alright. He actually told me, “Hellin, nothing is going to be OK. How could you just hitchhike?! What were you thinking?” It broke my heart and I shouldn’t have stayed, buy I did. Then after we broke up, his female friend, who I always assumed had a thing for him, kept commenting on by Facebook posts so I emailed her about him and said I hope he was doing well. She in turn, emailed me back saying, “It’s hard for him but it’s nothing like what he went through with his ex wife. That was really bad for him.” WTF! As if she couldn’t take that knife and twist it deeper. I wrote her telling her that I thought she had a thing for him (calling him at midnight to chat, as he would coo in a soothing voice to her on the phone) and that her actions were inappropriate. Â She deleted me from Facebook and I blocked her and in turn, he blocked me. I’m sure she went back to him and he took her side as usual with no regard to me or my feelings, even if we were broken up I’m sure he took her side. I couldn’t win anyway with him ever. Moving on…
basically
So my moral of this entire blog is to make sure the person you are with is always in your corner. In all relationships things will go bad. Partners lose jobs, parents die, money comes and goes etc etc. Will your partner be there for you? If you are at a party will you partner stand up for you when their friends put you down? Will they turn their backs on you when you hit the face of adversity? If you have to think about it the answer is probably yes. I suggest to get the hell away. Like someone once said, “Being alone is not the worst thing in the world. It’s people that make you feel alone.” That can’t be further from the truth. Never stay with someone that won’t be on your side no matter how much you love them because the heart break you will deal with when they shun you when you’re down is so much worse. Save yourself and your heart in the long run.
i need this shirt
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why block out my eyes? My tats will give me away!
As many women who are out in the world, I’m trying to get fit. I am no different. In the above picture you can see I have lost a lot of weight. 60 pounds to be exact and 25 of that since July. This time last year I had gotten close to that weight and then got back with my ex and gained literally 20 pounds in less then a year. I’m happy to report that I’m single and skinny and the weight will never come back on again no matter who I date. I have been crazy at the gym and I also did the highly controversial HCG that worked wonders and was harder then hell. However, now I’m at 21 days of no starch and no sugar and into a dress I have not fit into since I was 20. Hell, I haven’t been this weight since  I was 20. Go me! Since I’m now a size 8 and will possibly be a size down from that by Christmas I have noticed a lot of things are changing around me with my new found body.
Getting asked out in your car
feeling super duper in my mini cooper
I was driving home from work the other night and I spied this hottie in a mini beside me. He had a higher class mini (brand new mini S convertible) but it was all the same to me, he was checking me out. We started to smile and race each other, how adorbs! Then he pulls up beside me and asks me to pull over and I do. He’s tall and lean and lovely. Â We talk for what seems to be forever and we exchange numbers. Then he tells me he’s 25. 25! Holy shit! Great style, a killer grin, seriously sexy and young! I don’t know if I will go out with him because he’s a bit young, but it’s still flattering as fuck.
Something to be said about a hottie in an Audi
I love an Audi. But what I love more then an Audi is a hot guy in an Audi. I was driving home from work again (what’s up with me driving home?!) and I get cut off by an 2011 A8 (shit, those cars start at 83,000) and as I pull up to the guy he looks over with this amazing smile and big brown puppy dog eyes. “I’m so sorry. Are you mad? Can I make it up to you? Do you want to come out tonight?” He had some smiling hot guy friends in his car. I was exhausted from work and he goes, “You’re seriously hot, let me take you dancing.” I smiled. That’s a word that has been coming up as of late “Hot” I have been called hot by three employees an old friend  I have not seen in a long time and two of the past guys I have dated have all said, “You’re so hot.”  I have not been called hot in YEARS. So it’s nice for that word to keep being thrown around. I declined Mr. Audi and drove off. I regret that. I regret that as I type this. Ugh….
Clothes
yeah, looks about right
Now I can pretty much wear what I want within reason, I have become used to shopping again. Not that I didn’t shop before, it’s just now I can actually put on the mini skirt and go “SOLD” not “OLD” it’s liberating to say the least. I have a date to Cirque du Soleil this Saturday with another hot new piece and I look forward to buying something amazing on Friday. I love date night! That brings me to …
Sex!
geek to chic
I used to mainly date guys that had a belly or were bigger because I was kind of bigger. Now that I’m thinner I have been dating guys with a stronger physique. I have been working so hard on my appearance and it’s refreshing when you start to date a guy that feels that way too (to go out to dinner and he has an iced tea and salad not a beer and a burrito). Now that I’ve kicked it up a notch I must admit that not having those issues with my body has made sex amazing. I’m more confident and sleeping with a guy who doesn’t have to keep moving his belly so I can rub my clit to get off makes it so much easier to umm…get off. And all the positions! I might be putting acrobatics to shame with my bedroom swag! Maybe it’s just me, but being with a guy with washboard abs and an adonis belt (that cut by his hips) is always a good time. Now I get why girls love beef cakes! That didn’t take me thirty years!? LOL
Loving yourself
i love me!
I’m trying out my new hotness and dating a lot, going out, promoting my book (click on the link at the top right to get yours) but no matter who you are you have to love yourself. I have learned over the past few years that nobody and I mean no one will love me like I love me. I have a strange sneaking suspicion that I won’t be single for that much longer so I’m going to have to go have some random kinky adventures before I get tied down (for your reading pleasure, of course). However, nowadays I want someone to make me laugh, snuggle with me during those cold nights and make me yummy eggs and bacon for breakfast. Oh, and to sell books…..hehehe….
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from the front door to the back door
This guy I was dating named Tommy always wanted to do anal. I’m not one of those women that have a problem with anal. I actually enjoy it on rare occasions. It’s like a present for special times like birthdays, anniversaries and Tuesdays.  However, I held back on his request to enter the back door because…well…I don’t know why. I just did. Well, Tommy was about to have a birthday so what a perfect time to give it up. I was going to surprise  him with something he had been requesting for months.  I made a lovely dinner, bought some new sexy lingerie and I pulled out a large tube of lube . I put it right on my nightstand with the candles and the hand cuffs. Boy oh boy was Tommy going to be stoked!
I got something for you!
So after dinner and after I skimped about in my sexy new red chiffon one piece from Fredrick’s Of Hollywood (I would have went for La Perla, my normal but I was thinking “whore” at this juncture), I took Tommy to the bedroom to make all of his dreams come true. My heart was beating so fast because I was so happy that he would be so happy  and he could finally get what he wanted. We started in on the foreplay and then I picked up the lube and Tommy’s face went white. This is not the reaction that I wanted. At all.
Tommy, why you so bummed out?
Tommy picked up the bottle of lube. I will admit that bottle of lube was half empty, which I didn’t even think about. He looks at me and says, “Where the hell did this come from?” I told him I got it at the store months ago. He was like, “You had this on your person leaving the store? It’s half empty. Have you being doing this a lot with other guys?” I scratched my head and told him, “Look Tommy, I use lube to masturbate sometimes. They don’t call masturbation natures little sleeping pill for nothing. What’s the big idea?” Tommy paces around the room for a minute and then says, “Have you been using this with other guys? Have you been having anal sex with other men?” I mean I had anal sex with other guys before, not a lot but I had done it. What was he thinking? I’m not a virgin in any way. That ship sailed years ago! I was dumbfounded and I felt offended that he was coming at me like some kind of floozie.
yeah, you killed that one Tommy
After he calmed down I was no longer in the mood for intercourse. I told him so much for romance because he killed that completely. What started out was a wonderful romantic night now turned to shit by his accusations. I was no longer in the mood. I told him it was best for him to go home at that point. I was over it. He tried to make up for it by going down on me but  all to no avail. Nothing was turning me on. I told him to call me the next day and made him hit the road. I finished the bottle of wine we opened earlier in the night, smoked a joint and used the lube to get myself off so I could get some sleep and his shitty attitude out of my mental space. I used the lube to get off that night and he didn’t get any birthday sex. So I guess I was winning? I talked to Tommy the next day and said how sorry he was. I was over it at that point so I accepted. We stayed together and eventually he got his and told me it was so worth the wait.
WOOO HOOO ...much later..
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