01.May.2013 The f*ck it list

so many things.....

I think we all have one. A list of things to do before we die. My list includes but is not limited to:  Go to the Republic of the Maldives. Learn conversational French (I kind of know that, but I want to be better)  Bike around Tuscany. Sleep with one of my brother friends. Well, I achieved the latter and let me tell you it was not at all what I expected.

so over it....

My brother emails me on FB and tells me about his friend that now lives in LA and is trying to be an actor. Le sigh. Then the guy friend requests me ten minutes later and emails me. They went to high school together and wanted to see what I was all about. I added him and we chatted. We chatted a lot. He was young and cute and of course, of age. I’m not that big of a perv! My brother is 29.  This went on for months, messaging and texting. He always posted the most random shit of his page (like too many instagram photos and this weird thing called his girlfriends rules) and it was kind of a turn off but again….he’s cute. I’m single and not really ready to settle down. Then he did something that sparked my interest.

not actual guy but kind of the right body....

He posted a pic of him wearing barely anything. His body was on point. I’ve never been much of a body girl. Not really a big deal but my New Years rez was to only bang hot dudes and I hadn’t banged anyone. The well was dry! I was horny. Horny for flesh. So….

....no caption needed

I had went out with some friends and I was a bit tipsy we I got home. I started texting him and before I know it we’re talking dirty on the phone. He suggested that I come over for some afternoon delight before work and I was all game. I passed out with dreams of peen.

regret...

We had never met and I get to his efficiency apartment (yes efficiency not even a studio) and he thinks he’s acting suave, but he’s coming off like a tool. He has posters on the wall of  Reservoir Dogs and The Rat Pack.  It’s awkward. I’m kind of hungover so I ask for a glass of tea, like he was drinking and he said he didn’t have any more. Then he thought I was kidding. Anyway, tea didn’t happen. I noticed a tattoo on his left arm and was like, isn’t that the same tattoo Justin Timberlake has. He tells me he’s his idol. Ugh…. He asks me if he would mind if he uses a condom. DUH! So we get naked and his body doesn’t look as good as it did in photos, but still slim. We get to the sex and it was passionless. And in the middle of our romp he asked me the worst thing….in the MIDDLE. He asked me if I squired?

dirty so dirty...

Do I squirt?!!!!!!!! Never have I been asked this question. I tell him maybe? It’s a loaded question. I don’t know if guys like it or not (I have been told they really do) He says, “Well don’t squirt because I don’t want to get my sheets dirty.” ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! I checked out right there and looked at the Rat Pack poster while he pounded away. I anted to throw him two dollars to take the twin pink sheet set to the Korean laundry. How rude! After it was over 5 minutes later, I ran out of there faster then Jackie Joyner-Kersee. He tried to walk me to my car but I walked fast. He tried to talk to me I just slammed the door and speed off. I accidentaly pocket dialed him when I got to work and hung up fast. He texted me with, I hope I helped  your horny. I wrote back NOT AT ALL. Another useless notch on my belt.

done and done

After Facebooking him telling him to fuck off I deleted and blocked him. I hope to never hear from him again…at least I can cross that off the list but I won’t be telling my brother about this shit. Ever.

secret is safe i hope

The mentally unstable blue blood

This look gets me into a frenzy...and how!

Back out on the dating scene I met a man that was perfectly dressed. I’m a sucker for a sharp dressed man and this guy had it down to a science (Gatsby chic makes me weak). He was somewhat shy and quiet and loved The Silent Movie theater. That new Gatsby is coming out soon so I’m going to talk abut my time with an eccentric millionaire who could have possibly murdered me.

Touche Leos Carax

We went to see Holy Motors and he snuck us in two beers which is fine and funny. He ate the popcorn with reckless abandon. I found this odd and I guess he could tell by the look on my face. He told me he hadn’t eaten all day which I found weird. After the film we go to Canters where he tells me he’s an actor. Come to find out he does background work…WHAT? UGH. At 47?! UGH Also, learn his last name. It sounded familiar. It’s not Rockefeller but it’s in the same class. Money. Old rich oil money. Ca-Ching! Not so fast! I found him interesting enough though, I couldn’t figure him out. After the date he gave me a kiss that was pretty awesome. He had strong lips.

stop it! stop it already!

The phone calls started. The texts started non-stop. I broke down and decided to meet him for lunch at Little Dom’s which he begged me to do. Our first date had been three days prior. He was at the counter at the bar when I arrived, wearing the same clothes from the previous date and seemed mad it took me so long to get there. He bought a bottle of Prosecco and we drank. I was slightly hungover from last nights party and I was starving. He told me he wasn’t hungry so I ordered a small pizza and he ate most of it. I thought he wasn’t hungry? When he spoke he seemed nervous and his hair looked dirty. His blue eyes looked wild and he kept asking me why I wasn’t so into him. I told him I really didn’t know him. He told me he hated red lipstick or painted nails and thought they looked vile. He had scathing things to say about espadrilles. I was not wearing red lips, nail polish or  espadrilles. So those comments came out of nowhere. When the bill came I paid half. I don’t come out of pocket. This guy comes from serious cash. Why am I paying? He was going on and on about how he was going to buy land and build a house with his bare hands where he can train dogs. Weird. Creepy and weird. I wish I could really describe it well, but it’s hard. I don’t know how to describe it….one of the strangest dates…even in his creepiness I was kind of intrigued by him. Maybe it’s his lineage that got to me.

you can ride in the jaygay with daddayyy

I parked a bit away from the restaurant so I got into his vintage Jaguar and he was going to drive me to my car. The car was filthy and the back seat was filled with clothes. I asked him if he lived in his car. He got really mad and upset asking why I would say such a horrible thing? Maybe that was rude, but it was honest.  We get to my car and he starts to cry. He says how taken he is with me. Asking me why don’t I like him? Why won’t I stay with him? This is the second date! I’m trying to get the fuck out. I felt like if I went with him he could snap. I can’t open the door fast enough.

how did she deal?!

I get to my car and he calls and texts. I Googled him to find a slew of stuff that he did. He was friends with Crispin Glover, he dated Ann Coulter and a woman who I won’t mention that was friends with my mother growing up. Which was a very strange coincidence. He does art that has been shown at the Moma and the Musée d’Orsay. As strange as this guy is, I’m still intrigued but I decide to leave him alone. I don’t want to wind up in a dumpster. I ignore the calls and texts and after a few weeks he tells me he is going to Aspen to be with his mother and become a ski instructor for a while. I don’t write back. I thought he was gone. I thought wrong….

more later on this....

02.Nov.2012 The Hollywood Scandal Guide To online dating

it will never work out you fucking loser, unless you're old like these idiots

I have online dated and I will tell you it’s the worst. Bullshit. Most of the people you meet are not the person they portray themselves to be because they are trying to put their best foot forward. They are trying to be someone they think you will like. They hide their secrets. They hide who they are. Their best foot is them saying they are loyal, rich and  a cool dude when in fact they are an uptight nerd with mommy issues..who still lives with their mom. Why waste your time? When I’m talking about time I’m talking about mine. Minutes are precious and I will never be as young and beautiful as I am this very second.

oh hell yes!

I went out the other week with this dude who seemed to be everything I ever wanted online and when we met in person I was like, “You don’t look like dog the bounty hunter?” As if…I kicked rocks faster then Charlie Sheen.

The mass emailer


I took a painful amount of time making my dating profile on wholikesfreaks.com and you want to send me a message that reads, “Your profile is super cute and you’re super hot. Wanna grab a drink!” Peace the fuck out. If you can’t tell me one thing about my affinity for David Lynch or knives, obviously you are sending mass emails like a fisherman casting out his net. I don’t care who you are. If you can’t take a fucking second to read my profile, then you can take zero seconds of me trying to get to know you.

The hot naked man pic

maybe I’d make an exception? Meow!


So maybe we exchanged a few emails and things are going well. Nothing sexual, maybe flirty but not gross. Then you send me a pic of you with no shirt or GOD FORBID you naked. Or even worse just your penis!  Look, again I don’t know you. I might want to if you weren’t such a fucking pervert. Letting your boner party come out ONLY after you get to know me (or buy me a drink in person for Christsakes!) is not only welcomed, it’s encouraged! You might be able to ride your baloney pony into my love tunnel after a I know you other then chris!@.b.4u. We haven’t even had a date yet and already you’re showing me the goods? Please. That’s a present I want to unwrap in private not opening your privates via email. You dig?

Already clingy? Serious!

You're cramping my style! Vamanos!

OK so we got past a ton of shit. Saw our Facebook, maybe become friends and even had long talks on the phone then we scheduled our date for the following Friday. But before I can text you, “I’m excited!” You’re already called and texted me non stop. Again, I DON’T KNOW YOU. Sure, we may seem like we have know each other “forever” in internet life which means like 3 weeks a month tops. Stop it. If I don’t know you and you’re already texting me to  say, “Have a great day honey” I can only imagine the world of trouble I’m in when we actually get face to face personal. If you bring a ring to the first date I might take it…to the pawn shop.

Maybe it all works out..or so you think?

that ticket is the least of their worries!

He took his dating profile down and you’re dating. Or so you thought. You met online. You have no mutual friends. You don’t know his history at all. Well, if you decide to be with him on the regular figure out what he’s all about. You both might have decided to take your profiles down and then you get curious look him up in a few months and see his still up there. He’s been active in the past 24 hours! NOOOOOO….. It’s just so easy. I guess I have trust issues and maybe meeting someone out is no different. Hell, my ex boyfriend who I DIDN’T meet online got back with the girl he dated when we broke up last year that he met on match.com. maybe I’m just a bitter bitty….a bitter bitty with a new man. Who I did not meet online either by they way.

Well…



So better just meet dudes out and about. At a diner, a bar, at Trader Joes or in county holding (my personal fave). At least you get a vibe before actually taking time, building your hopes up expecting this:

yes!

but getting this:

master of my loins!

Happy dating!

09.Oct.2012 wedding hells

Couldn’t resist!

As some of you avid readers already know I went to SF around this time last year and had a ball. This time not so much. I got shamed into my “friends” wedding. I say shamed because she was all like, “Nobody from work is coming. I’m so happy you are going to be there.”  And I put “friend” in parentheses because she is a bullshit friend.  She didn’t call me for weeks then the last time she did she was looking for my coke dealers number. I shouldn’t paint the red flags white! Even though I was invited with my ex, I accepted because I thought me and my ex could bond there…it had been lacking. Well, it had been lacking for a long time but I digress. He knew the shit show that is her relationship, me and the guy broke up and I had to go it alone. DAMN IT

G O F U C K O F F

I invited this queen gay I knew since high school that lived in the San Fran area over a month before the wedding. At literally the 11th hour he cancels. Not only is this really fucking rude and tactless, I don’t live in SF so I don’t have back ups. In LA, I could find someone to go with me. They got married at 530 on a Friday. Who the fuck gets married at 5:30 on a Friday?! Anyway, I show up and I sit alone behind a group of old people couple folk. I ask them if they are friends with the bride or groom and all of them are like, “The groom. We don’t even know the bride we are here to support his mom.” ARE YOU KIDDING? Lets take notice that the grooms female friends (that hate the bride) are all there wearing head to to black.) WOW!

mean mommy and daddy

I went to the reception and saw the brides mother and father (who I don’t know…never met EVER) I tried to be tactful and say really nice things to them. All the while, the looked at me like a I was wearing a Hitler mustache .They seriously looked right through me. No words. Nothing. Not even a “Thank you for coming. Paying your own way, getting a hotel room, buying a gift and being alone.” She sat me beside her ex roomie who was wasted by 7. I thought I met my match. My safe haven. NOT SO FAST!

shitty pic but basically….

I’m sitting with the Roomie and two bridesmaids and their dates. Both of their dates looked like Jersey Shore rejects. One bridesmaid says,” I live in Orlando now but I want to come to LA to be a writer.” I was like “Good fucking luck!” As the married couple were having their dance to, “Something” by the Beatles. (You know, George Harrison wrote that song with  Ray Charles in mind look it up! It’s true!) Roomie was like, “I can see your ass!” Both of the bridesmaids at my table were like, “Is she for fucking real!?” I got kind of cold ( literally not figuratively) so I decided at 8 pm with the stores still open to go buy a jacket. I met a Roman photographer in the lobby (it’s how I roll) and asked him if he wanted to join me to help pick out a coat. He accepts and I go to Macys and buy a Tahari blazer that he pays half for. Now, I know that’s random but I’m drunk and tired and take the money. I ask him if he’s married and he says he is but working on a divorce. Likely story that I have heard a million times before. He gives me his number but I fake take it. I will never be with a “separated” man again. Too much fucking issues! With my 50% off blazer I go back to the wedding.

if she could only hit her with a brick!

I sit down to the speeches and dinner. As I eat my tiny steak my “friend’s father” is like, “I’m so happy you’re marrying my princess and can take care of her. This will last forever!” I choke back the laughter and say under my breath, “Wow! He makes 35k a year with an 80k debt! And they have not have sex in 4 months! So much for support!” Well, Rommie hears me. (here we go) And she cries, “I have lived in LA for years and no guy has even taken me out on a date.” I reply, “Well, ask your parents to put your profile on Match.com. The bride did that and now she’s hitched! Look, I had an ex that took me around the world (but only if we could do what HE wanted) and we were very unhappy together. So I don’t know but make what ever works for you.” She kind of went off on me. So even before the fucking cake, I was gone. Over. I went up and literally said 2 words to the bride before peace-ing out. What a waste of a trip but at least I got a blog!

le sigh

They’ll be divorced in a year….well..I hope not…well, I do for her sake. I’m chalking her up to a past friend of mine. Please join my others into the graveyard of my past friends.

good riddance!

Shit. I realized that i forgot the best part of a wedding that should not be! Billy Idol! He needs a say!

there is nothing sure in this world…there is nothing fair in this world…

Fin…..for now….

10.Sep.2012 Two girls, one dog

who needs attention when you have hotdogs!

Well, that was that. Before I knew it, I’m single again. I know. I know. I don’t want to hear anything about it. This time it’s different. We were two people who really loved each other but just couldn’t make it work. Sorry but unlike last time we broke up, I’ve decided to focus on me and by me I’m going out with friends all the time. I have to focus on what I want and what I need right now. I can’t let men muddle my life, at least for now. So with that being said. I went out with a girlfriend of mine and her dog to the art walk in Culver City.

now that's just not right

We were having a great time checking out all the galleries. We did see some great stuff and we also saw some horrible stuff. That’s the problem with art, so many people think they are good at it but they really do stink. Maybe I don’t have the greatest eye but putting pictures of hamburgers on a wall is not art, it’s having the money to rent a really expensive camera. After we looked at the art we took her dog with us to The Mandrake Bar for a couple cocktails.

actual bar

We had the dog and peeped the scene. Typical hipster art types. I noticed a guy with a goatee wearing rose colored cuffed pants and bucks. All I could think was, “Either that guy has a huge dick or he’s a total idiot for buying rose colored pants and wearing them out. Maybe he’s confident in his manhood? He had to try those on and purchase them at a store. Maybe his last girlfriend left them and he liked the fit?” He kept talking up chicks so I assume he was straight. Someone wearing rose colored cuffed pants is kind of a dick. I guess I’m assuming here but that’s what I do sometimes after a few drinks.

we're just hanging out

So anyway, I digress. My friend has a really cute Jack Russell and people kept coming over to pet it. Everyone is like, “I love your dog, what a great dog.” We kept getting attention because of the pooch and I kind of got into having this dog. At one point I started thanking people who came up to put the dog as she nestled on my leg. I realize that this is not my dog and why the hell was I thanking people like she were mine? I even told my friend about it and she started laughing and said, “I was thinking the same thing.” I sipped my Moscow Mule and eyed the crowd.  Oh, I bought her a drink and sat it down and she thanked me I said, “No problem babe” Then it hit me. I said to her, “I bet people think we’re gay.” She laughed it off then we got confirmation.

not actual Asian hipster

She started talking to this hipster Asian guy about a date he had the previous week. Some UCLA Surfer girl who was wild. Then she says to me, “You have to talk to this guy about his date.”  I went and sat beside him and he was talking about how this girl he went out with got drunk and naked in his pool in an apartment complex then he took her upstairs and he only fingered her, and she came. He was like, “Well, your girlfriend thinks I should be flattered.”  I told him, “Yes he should be flattered and no she’s not my girlfriend. We’re not gay, just having a nice time out.” He was so embarrassed, but I think he had a thing for my friend. So he kept chatting her up. I just really realized how gay we were being.  I was just having a fun time with an old friend and so not ready for anything anyway. So, I could give a shit. Really.

meah...whatever

Then I  started thinking about WTF was wrong with me? I didn’t even flinch when a total stranger told me about this girl who female ejacluated all over his new sheets. I know I write this blog and all but I guess I have become  totally numb to all kinds of shit. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? My gut points to good. I went back to smoke a cigarette and chatted up some girls who were trying to bum like I was. I don’t know why people have gotten so stingy with their smokes. I had half a pack at home, I didn’t want to go buy any. Whatever. I finally got my first butt at 8pm and all of a sudden I just got tired. Maybe it was the hipsters or the trendy dee-jay playing shit I never heard of or going out the night before till 6 am. I was tuckered!  I went back to my friend and we decided to take off back to Hollywood. I asked her to hold my hand and she just laughed. I might not be gay, but I don’t care if the world thinks I am. Getting back with my old friends is a blast. Maybe my next car will be a Subaru?

no description needed

17.Jul.2012 the friend zone

I think I have fallen victim to being one of those people. I am getting lost in having a boyfriend. Since getting back with my ex in November I have been with him non stop. How did this happen?

hey! where is everybody?!

I guess boyfriends do things that your lady friends can’t do like fuck you, fix your tv and pay for your meals. It seems silly but maybe I have turned into one of those people that I used to hate? I don’t know if that’s the case, but maybe?

the days of old...

Maybe I long for a simpler time not plagued by men and/or liquor? Remember those days when you used to have your friends over and eat popcorn then one girl would end up crying after the scary movie you watched and have to be picked up by her parents? Those were the days.

barf?

I have an interesting group of peeps. A lot of them are still into partying all the time. I still love to drink but I realize I’m not 20 anymore and it’s time to grow up.  The older we get I see many of my friends still doing the same shit that we did in our youth. Maybe I’m moving into a new direction. Maybe this is not a scandal anymore I’ve been becoming normal.

NOOOOOOOPERISH THAT THOUGHT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO…..anyway…..

you might be cute now....but..

Now that I’m in my thirties people want different things. I can’t tell you how many of my friends are married and now parents. It might be the little girl inside of me, but I don’t think I’m ready to be a mom. I’m not ready to grow up. I love being in a relationship, but that whole next step is frightening. Babies are cute, but when they grow up they end up resenting you and stealing money for drugs.  Believe me I know!

oh boy...

And my friends are also going through divorces, including my  boyfriend who is now done with that mess. I guess it’s pretty terrifying that this person you commit to might end up taking all your money or fucking your best friend. I don’t know if I want to walk that plank, but at the same time it seems like it’s the next logical step. So this comes back to me and my relationship, with my friends.

turn and face the....

I guess the time is approaching fast. Time to grow up. I know I have to abandon a lot of the old ways and I’m still having fun but I know it’s coming and fast! For now I’m enjoying myself….

feel as good as this guy

AND DANCE!

03.Mar.2012 Get f%^king lost

oh cartoons are polite!

oh cartoons are polite!

I think I’ve said this before, I really don’t like people. Well, most people and I’m dead fucking serious. I may suffer a light case of agoraphobia. I wouldn’t leave the house ever  if my apartment wasn’t a shit hole studio with loud neighbors and I didn’t have to go to work. Damn you employment! Anyway, I might be mental but I usually tell people to GTFO (get the fuck out) in the bluntest way possible but I’m trying to be nice. Sometimes, I think I have aspergers. Can you get that in your thirties?  Anyway, in all ways of trying to be polite. I’m turning over something….a new leaf? A new Hellin? Or I have just become so apathetic that I’m beyond the point of caring? Regardless….here goes…

that's not very nice!

If someone annoys you, a friend, co-worker, mother, husband the first thing you should do ask them is why the hell they are so annoying? Maybe they weren’t such a pain in the ass before, but something might have changed them. In most cases, people don’t realize that they are really a huge life suck.  People have no concept of their level of annoying. Most people (especially the assholes in Hollywood) are so far up their own asses the have no idea of their shitty attitudes and bothersome antics. Asking these people to change is nearly impossible but if you let them in on their own self defeating ways, they might be more aware and at least try to be tolerable.

I'm sick of you

So maybe you showed the annoying person the ways of the world, of their level of annoyance and complete disregard for anything awesome. And maybe they changed or at least making an effort (it’s really all they can do).However, if they have not made any change or for godsakes gotten angry at you for pointing out how awful they have become, the next thing to do it give the relationship a T.O. ( that’s a time out for you slow folks) Maybe you not being around will make them shape up, but people are stupid so they probably didn’t and the latter is the case. Move on. Life is too short to be bothered by assholes. Me included.

do I have to spell it out?

Sometimes you and your special someone call it quits and you can’t get over it. You’re beside yourself  with sadness after you were kicked to the curb. First, don’t even think about calling, emailing, skyping, texting, Facebooking the ex.You know what, delete them from Facebook.  I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people but after two phone calls and a few text messages and you get no response, they don’t care about you anymore. They are done. Over. Final. They probably met someone else.  If someone cares about you even slightly, they will at least talk to you about your hurt feelings and try to calm you down. If you have not heard from them after several attempts, you’re not only annoying but you might be a stalker so stop it move on and hit the gym or happy hour or both. Maybe you’ll meet someone new to fool around with to get your mind off your ex, even if it’s just for a night. But the calls and texts to someone who has moved on is annoying to say the least.

don't congratulate... humiliate!

If someone won’t leave you alone and they annoy you and you have done everything possible, within reason, then make them feel bad in front of their friends. Peer pressure is a bitch at any age. If you tell them they suck or are annoying or they are bothersome in front of their friends, they will most likely stop. Bringing people on your side is a good thing to initiate changes in behavior.

you don't exist

Lets face it, most people are lame so it’s best to just hit the ignore button in your brain. I have developed a talent for talking to boring people. I can completely clock out while acting like I’m engaged in whatever bullshit they are spouting off. I make a list in my head of things I have to do and it totally works.  Try it at the next dinner party or event you have to attend. It does help. Then again, you may just be interested in bullshit or are a lonely person.

murder is not on the menu

I can only say that most people are not OK. They are pretentious, annoying and unaware of their bullshit so it’s best to try to tolerate them with the steps mentioned. I would say kill them but that won’t work either because there is nothing worse then jail.  But like Charles Bukowski once said, “Hell is other people.” I think drinking helps. Cheers!

16.Feb.2012 How To Suck C@ck hollywood scandal style

Hey Now!

Some people have said that the way to a guys heart is his stomach. That’s bullshit and we all know that. The way to a guys heart is through his cock. There is a direct vein from the cock to the heart I’m sure and if you’re not a trouser snake charmer, well, you’re doomed. I don’t think I have ever written a post on the do’s and don’t of sucking the bone so here goes. Well, my take on it…do with it what you will…lets begin

No time for teeth

Hey gurl Hey!

As far as that dick is concerned, you’re all gums. Teeth to a cock is about as bad as nails to a chalkboard, so don’t even try. I know girls that say they have used like teeth. Well, I’m calling bullshit on that. The guy is probably so happy to get head that little bit of teeth is not pissing them off, but I’m sure they are not jazzed about it. You have to put your lips under your teeth creating a vortex of suction. Keep that in mind all the time because that can be tough especially if you’re drunk or high and you’re mind starts to wonder (MINE HAS)

Eye Contact

Cary is thinking, "Why are you not sucking my cock right now?"

Lets face facts here, men don’t have the best imaginations. So when you’re fucking them or sucking them off they are filing that in the back of their head to masturbate to later. Why not make it super personal? I can’t tell you how many guys have told me they thought it was so hot that I looked up at them when sucking their dick. It doesn’t matter where you are either which makes it all the more hot. It can be in the bedroom, public bathroom, car, alley….whatever. You’re giving him some masturbation material for later. It’s like a bonus round!

Hands Across the Cock Area

hard but don't let it melt in your mouth!

Before anything, make sure you play with the dick because sucking a limp cock is about as fun as as a dog dry humping your leg. Plus you have to wait for it to get hard and this take effort. Make sure he’s good and ready before you go downtown. Make use not to pull the cock out of the zipper. If you hurt this delicate muscle it’s game over and he’ll be pissed. Drop the drawers and he’s yours! Don’t complicate this with fun ways to get him in the mood. I’m sure he;s already in the mood, if you are a woman or a gay dude.

Know what the signs are

know the signs!

If he’s holding your hair or your head and seems to be lost (or god forbid getting soft) start asking questions. Am I going to hard? Too fast? Too slow? Usually the guy will tell you what he likes if you just ask.  Don’t be scared. Some guys are into into the deep throat. Some guys like a soft touch and slow hand. Every cock is different and should be treated as such.

Be good but not too good!

keep it hot...but not too hot!

If you want to fuck then don’t let him bust from the blowjob. After most guys come, they’re  out of the sex game for at least 45 minutes and by then you’re knee deep in ice cream and Golden Girls reruns with no orgasm in sight. Maybe save the b.j. for heavy period days if you’re cramps are not too bad.  Or just get him close enough, if you’re really horny and plan on coming fast.

Don’t forget the balls

tender moments

Cup and caress his balls in the hand you don’t use for writing. They can take a bit of abuse, but only with your heavy wet tongue.  Make sure to keep those teeth out of the mix and don’t be afraid to get them really wet. While you suck the balls, grab his shaft and with a light squeeze, slide your hand up and down the shaft, your hand should be wet from your spit. After some attention to the balls, have your mouth meet your hand and don’t take your mouth or hand off the cock. You’re not gobbing on it, and you’re barely hitting a rhythm. You are wetting down the penis with spitty, rhythmic foreplay to achieve the correct balance of slickness and traction. Getting him good and ready. It’s like a pre-show for the main event, which is still good.

Emotion in the motion

Motion!

He’ll naturally start rocking and keep up with him but don’t get skull fucked. Stay in control, but don’t fight the motion. Make sure to use your hand. You;re hand and mouth are besties at this point. By now you’re gripping the shaft gently and firmly with both good and bad hands in a dizzy of fingers and spit. Fan down and grip up, grip up and fan down. Keep in moving. See his signals. If you switch up the rhythm too much it will throw him out course for coming and you kind of have to start all over which is the worst. The call it a blow job because it’s just that….a job.

The final countdown

are you ready!?

If you have being keeping the teeth away, the rhythm going and asked the right questions he is probably ready to get off. You’ll notice his balls acceding and almost disappearing into himself. That’s how you know it’s show-time, and his moan and motions. Increase the speed of your mouth like you want it really badly. If you want to speed things up, then you can probably lick the balls and have him participate by asking him “show me how you do it.” Sometimes this works if you are getting off track as well. Having him participate brings him back…but if he’s about to come keep up the motion  and keep sucking.

Spit or Swallow

swallow!

Spitters are quitters and takes you out of the moment. Swallowing is important. It shows a kind of love and acceptance that has big payoffs during pussy-eating time and morning sex, which I love. Between his legs is best and swallow fast and quick. Wipe your mouth and smile. He’s probably spent by now so it’s time to see what’s on TIVO and grab a glass of Merlot, but if he’s a good man then he will go down on you next….that’s when you know you have a keeper.

Done and Done!


Well hello there!

OMFG I missed you sooooo much!

So after some jealous peeps took my site for hostage (along with my favorite stilettos…HOW F&*KING DARE YOU!) It took some time and some serious ass kicking, but I’m back…..I gotta keep on top of this shit! New post on it’s way to you today!

My sincerest apologies for not coming back sooner but I’m here now….

Preach Freddie!

19.Dec.2011 Everybody wants a happy ending

What if she don't like the meat, but she likes the bone?

It’s been a crazy time for me as of late so I have not been posting. Been busy. I got into a car accident, I got back together with my ex who I never really got over so we will see how it goes, had to have surgery that went fine and was minor. Just when everything was moving on the up and up, I now suffer from bronchitis AND a sinus infection.  As far as the car accident, I was hit sitting at a light and I got a little bit of money that helped me pay off my debt, but fighting to have my Mini fixed correctly. The good news is that I got some money for massage! That brings me to…

Sensual massage?

Is getting a happy ending cheating? The place I’m going for acupuncture/chiro/massage is totally legit. Which is unfortunate, but I’m not paying for it. Where are the days of yore where you can walk into anywhere and get my no-no spot rubbing with a yes yes? Even if I went to a sensual massage parlor would a happy ending be cheating? The guys that work at the place I go to are really attractive. I know my tawdry Hollywood tales are  true and titillating (saying I’m not going to lie here)… and under single circumstances if the opportunity would present itself I surely would get a happy ending from one of these hot masseuses. But maybe my bad girl ways are on the shelf, well, I have never condoned cheating. It’s all free reign to do what ever you want till you’re attached.  A girls gotta have morals! I’m on the fence if it’s cheating or not…. humm?

Facebook the cheat platform?

It’s only been a few months since me and my guy have gotten back on track. He’s been lovely and gone above and beyond in all of the things that I want and need from a man. I mean, pretty much perfect. The relationship feels different and more mature. I just re-became his friend on Facebook. And the day I’m back as his friend, the girl he dated while we broke up wrote a comment that went along the lines of, “I will always think about our fun adventures in 2011. I hope you get all the happiness you deserve. Please call, text or email because I would love to hear from you.” He deleted it when he saw it. Why didn’t he tell her months ago? Why is she writing that for everyone to see? If she knew about me would she still do that? He told me he ignored her thinking she would go away, but didn’t. So, he had to tell her about us. Duh. What is it with people? If I wrote a text or two and left a voice mail with no response, I walk away. Sigh…. Does it make me wonder what he’s doing  in the virtual world or otherwise? I mean, they are still friends, he didn’t delete her. In a way, yes it does make me wonder. Do I think he would cheat? No. I’ve been reading more and more how break ups and divorces end because of Facebook. Cheating is more rampant because of Facebook. Reconnecting of old flames happens because of Facebook. You know what I think? Fuck Facebook. I guess it all comes down to the age old act of trust. Ahh….trust. Nice to see you again? Did you ever leave? Were you ever here to begin with?

What me worry?

Who can say what’s cheating and what isn’t? Is an emotional office affair cheating? Is being friends with an ex lover? I think we all can agree that penis in vagina is definitely cheating. Well, I do have a friend that says it’s not cheating if you use condoms. So who is right and who is wrong? I know I couldn’t kiss, fuck or suck another guy but what if they were doing it to me? I mean, who doesn’t want a happy ending? Either that way…or this way….

And happily ever after….till he caught her with her fairy godmother scissor fucking in their martial bed….Back to the drawing board!

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